A long way from home...

After church today I finally went on a prayer walk. I have been wanting to but either it is raining or dark by the time I get home. As I was walking leisurely through the neighborhood I got honked at a couple of times, offered rides, and stared at. The comment that prompted me to write about was a man rolled down his window to say, ¨You a long way from home.¨ Yes, it wasn´t a question it was a statement. It is still so shocking to me that after we have come so far as a nation in regards to racism we still are segregated in our schools aka lunch tables, neighborhoods, and churches.

I understand that as humans we tend to stick with those that are like us in regards to race, religion, political views, sexual orientation, age, etc. It just continues to break my heart that there is so much division in our city. It prompts me to ask, Why is there so much division? It also breaks my heart that I stick out so much. Not because it makes me feel uncomfortable but because ¨my kind¨is rare in this area. I even find myself do a double take when I see another white person walking around and wonder why they are here.

Fun at the Park

Learning how to dance the Hoedown Showdown on a lazy Sunday Afternoon in the park.

Awkward starts turning to friendships...

Life has been pretty good lately. I have recently started hanging out with some kids that live on the same street as me. The first time we hung out we threw my glow in the dark frisbee I got from a friend in High School. Then their grandmother needed help racking up the leaves that were on the driveway at the vacant lot next door to them. We had a good little chat.

Then the next time we hung out I awkwardly knocked on their front door. Then I saw the familiar faces through the window as they screamed, ¨Brittany`s here!¨ We played frisbee again even though we couldn´t see cause it was dark and it ended up getting stuck on the neighbor`s roof so that was the end of that.

Today we went to the neighborhood library and looked at some books. We didn´t have much time there till it closed. Brandon the 6 year old read a book to me. I am hoping I will get a chance to take them to the library again. At times I still feel out of place and wonder if I am in the right place. I have enjoyed awkwardly meeting people on my street and have been surprised at how easy it has been to build trust with them. I hope these relationships grow deeper.

Michael Wise...

Things I learned from, Michael Wise, a 62 year old man I met on my run today:

--You can´t have a thanksgiving meal without chitilins.

-- I am going to marry a man named Richard or James. Then he proceeds to guess names of people in my family.... Howard, James, Susan.... he didn´t guess any name correct.

--Diane should name her baby after me.

I just wanted to remember this conversation for a while. Mainly for my benefit.

Struggle with my race

A couple of months ago I moved into an inner-city neighborhood in downtown Atlanta. It is different from anywhere I have lived in the States. When I ride my bike or walk around the neighborhood it brings back memories of when I lived in Quito, Ecuador. I don`t know if it because of the stares I get, the poverty I see or the random interactions/conversations I have.

I have enjoyed being the minority and having to deal with race and struggle with how growing up white has impacted my life. I am taking a culture class right now and we just finished talking about how race impacts everyones life. Some people have advantages while many have disadvantages. I never really struggled with race much growing up because I was the majority in many of my roles and activities I was involved in.

This link was very interesting for me to look at race in general.

http://www.pbs.org/race/005_MeMyRaceAndI/005_00-home.htm

http://blackpeopleloveus.com/

Wanting to struggle....

The past couple of weeks I have met with a variety of  people who are have moved to crime ridden inner-city Atlantan  communities to become part of the neighborhood. Not because it was easy or glamorous but because they saw a need and potential to build relationships and provide hope. They also have a light at the end of the tunnel of turning these neighborhoods from a place that is filled with vacant lots and forgotten problems to a place of community and beauty. It has been an interesting journey to talk to various people that have similar dreams but fulfill them in different ways. I am very intrigued and hope to find a place in this. I long to get out of the comfortable suburbs and move to a place that I have to struggle with issues like poverty, crime, prostitution, etc. Not because I think I have the answers but because it will get me out of the comfortable that we strive for. It will cause me to be uncomfortable and struggle with these issues in a different way then if i were to volunteer in a soup kitchen 20 minutes from my apartment once a month. I am not sure what that will look like but I hope I am on my way to my next step. It has been a long journey to get me to this point. 

What a voice.. love it

.Learning obedience and reliance on God.

I finished my second 10K race today! It felt really good when I was finished. I enjoy racing and hope I continue this new hobby up. Right now I kind of prefer running by myself cause I can spend time thinking and praying and don`t have to talk to anyone else. Today, my goal in running was to finish and to spend time giving my future to the Lord. I will hear on Friday, May 1st if I will be moving to California. If I did that my whole life would change. It has been very difficult to be patient. This run was to help me give that to him and rely on his strength to get me through. It was very good to have that time to give it up to him. During this race when I wanted to stop or slow down I would turn my palms up to God and pray and give it to him. In my head it was kind of like fasting. I was giving up my physical comfort as physical sign of my obedience and reliance on Him. I have also been struggling with my insecurities and so for a good 4 miles I was saying to myself, ¨ I am accepted and belong¨ off and on. (In referring to God accepting me and I belong to him.)

Rejecting Satan's lies and claiming Christ's truths....

In learning from recent relationships and future possible plans I have had to learn patience. I have had to rely more on the Lord. I have also had a lot of time to reflect on things. I have realized that for the most part this year has been pretty good. I have had some difficult moments but overall I have been truely blessed. My roommate on the other hand has had a very difficult year and has had to deal with so much. In a way I have felt guilty cause I have had it pretty chill for a while. God has continued to bless me but I have been becoming more skeptical cause I feel like things have been going too good and I am just waiting for something bad to happen. This is such a bad way to view things. God doesn't allow things to happen to me based on my behavior or the things I do. I just recently realized why I have been worried that things I have been excited about won't happen because i fear i am due for disappointment. Such a lie. I am hoping that through realizing this i can shift this view.

On thinking about my past friendships I am realizing some lies that I have allowed Satan to use in order to keep me distant, isolated and burdened. I have realized that I have struggled a lot with not feeling intelligent and feel as though my opinion isn`t a valid or right based on comments that people have made to me in the past. Even though they may have not ment it, I have allowed it to define how I view myself. I can see how this lie has allowed me to keep my opinions to myself or cause me to feel as though I can't add to intelligent conversations. This insecurtiy causes me to get tongue tied. i have been believing this lie and it is one reason why I am hesistant to do grad school.

I feel like I don`t and haven´t fit in a lot through the years for numerous reasons. Recently this is evident in my love and embrace for the Spanish language and latino community. Many of my friends are not as actively open to new cultures or have problems when I have my GPS in Spanish or listen to Latino music when they are in the car with me. When they make comments it is hard for me to not take it personally and view it as them rejecting something that is very close to my heart. Again I now realize that I dont feel accepted or understood and this creates unnecessary burden and isolation.

I also realized that I haven`t learned how to embrace my beauty inside and out. I am consistently looking for others to affirm these qualities in me. To see myself through my creators eyes is something I have failed to do lately. I have been defining my worth through things I do or how others view me. I have also allowed Satan to make me feel as though the reason I am still single is because I am not attractive to the opposite sex or that something is wrong with me. I am choosing to refuse these thoughts and replace them with how my creator defines my worth and beauty.

These realizations are very freeing hence why I took the time to write them. In realizing these lies that I have believed for so long, I am learning to reject these thoughts when they enter my head and replace them with truths that I can claim through Christ. I am learning to allow him to define my worth and identity and not my insecurities.

Life Lessons I have learned....

My good friend Lauren and I have been sitting on skype not really talking but just thinking. She suggested to start making a list of the life lessons I have been learning of the past couple of years. Here is a list of the major one`s.

Take risks even though you have don`t know the result. Whatever happens you will look back and learn from that experience.

Allow God to provide for you and look for that provision daily.

When you hear desperate thoughts you can be certain those thoughts are not from God.

Don`t say things that you think others want you to say. Say your thoughts and opinions with confidence. It is okay to disagree.

Speak truth into people`s lives; affirming their character and qualities in time of need.

Don`t be afraid to ask questions. It is a sign of wisdom not of ignorance.

Don`t be afraid to voice how you feel in a relationship. You will never look back and wonder what could have been. If the person doesn`t feel the same you aren`t being rejected. It isn`t a reflection on your quality as a human or your worth.

Embrace silence and stillness. You don`t need the radio or internet. It is ok to not be entertained. Sitting still is a good thing.

I am sure I have learned more things but at the moment I am not aware. I have enjoyed reflecting on these things and need to remember to do this every couply of years.

Patience

Patience (pā-shəns) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.


This week has been difficult in learning patience when it comes to future decisions and relationships. That waiting, not having control and not knowing what will happen is something I am not good with. It is hard to not focus on the future and to just enjoy where you are. In trying to calm my thoughts down I was looking through my journal at old sermon notes and thoughts. There has been two quotes that have helped me not to feel overwhelmed and drained.

"God's voice is never frantic, when you hear desperate thoughts you can know that it is not God speaking. You can wait in confident humility."

"In the moments of worry, we forget God's past faithfulness."

I know that this worry and burden is not something from God. It is me not trusting in who God says that he is and who I know him to be. Whatever happens God is still God and I am still His. Nothing can take that away and that also gives me peace.

Being Known, vulnerable and humbled

I just got back from my first visit to Fresno. This past week has been crazy, a lot has happened. I hung out with a couple of my close friends growing up. Then I flew to Fresno to get a glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. Then I hung out with my sisters and caught up with them. 

It was really refreshing to be around people that know me. A place where I am known and don`t have to worry about how to act or what to wear. People who have known  me all of my life. It is also draining to be around those people cause I haven`t been around my close girlfriends and just my sisters in a long time; there is a lot of talking that is involved. I hope that this next week when I go home I can continue to hang out with close friends and be surrounded by familiar faces. It is hard living in a city of strangers with few familiar faces. It has been good but sometimes lonely. 

Right now I am struggling with the unknown future. I feel like it is time to begin something new. There is this ministry in Fresno, CA that I feel a ton of peace about doing next year. Things have kind of fell into place and I can see how God has been changing my heart to prepare me for something like this. I am just worried that if it doesn`t work out that I will have many questions for God about how I misunderstood the peace and confirmation. I feel like through this process of deciding to pursue this path I have been humbled. challanged and vulnerable. I know it has caused me to grow in ways I wouldn`t have otherwise. It has allowed me to see and desire to live in the states for now.  I am just not good at waiting. 

Monday Morning Thoughts....

     I am off of work today. I have this long list of things to accomplish today. That is why I find my-self here, procrastinating. It is funny how the weeks where I get a day off always end up feeling like the longest. I think it is because my normal routine is messed up which adds a different kind of stress. That is why I would much rather have it be a surprise like in the form of a snow day. The likelihood of that happening is very slim which makes it even more special. 

      This weekend I did start a Family Blog with my immediate family. My sister´s actually came up with it; I just initiated it. It seems like a fun idea. It is amazing how many things on my to-do list involve the computer such as: ordering pictures to send to a friend, mak

ing a family blog, emailing friends, paying credit cards, looking up recipes etc. Yesterday, I

 sat for hours being productive with out moving. I guess it just amazes me how many things you can do on-line. The things I procrastinate doing are things I have to get up and do. How lazy am I? I can run in a 10K willingly but put off cleaning my room. 

Meet Esau Noel...

I have a friend that lives in Antigua, Guatemala that I met when I was doing Language school a couple of years ago. We still keep in touch through email. A couple of months ago he emailed and told me he was starting to build a his own house. This is such a cool but foreign concept to me. It kind of makes me sad that I don`t know how to do that. It must be so freeing to get some land and just start building your house. Even if it ends up being small with lots of character (flaws) you have the satisfaction in knowing that it was all done by you. I am also really bummed that the random chance that I get lost in the jungle/forest/desert/mountains that I would have no idea how to survive. But am I going to do anything to change that and learn how. Probably not. That bums me out too. Well, on that note...Here are some pictures of his progress.

I have started to train for a 10K. It was originally going to be a half marathon with some co-workers but due to different reasons I wasn`t going to be able to run in it.
It is funny that when no one knew that I was training for a race, I was doing really good with running and working out. After I told some family and friends and heard their reactions I have gotten lazier in it. I think after hearing their reactions I have kind of psyched myself out. Some how since telling people, it has become a much harder goal even though I know I can run that much. Because to most of them, that isn`t something they think they could do and it makes me questions my ability.
I think that is one reason why I tend to keep things to myself cause then I don`t let other peoples opinions dilute what I want to do or what I think I should do especially when it goes against the norm or is a difficult task. For example, when I decided to work as a housekeeper for a summer. When I decided to visit a friend by myself in Mexico City. When I decided to attend language school in another country by myself. Moving to Atlanta where I had no family, friends or connections.
I do care about getting other people`s opinions on things. I think that is something you should do to put things in perspective and to see the reality of what you want to do. The flip side of that is sometimes people can belittle your dreams or goals because they don`t see it the way you do or they don`t see value in it.

And here we go again...

Well, this week at work I had a second grader ask, ¨Ms. Harris can I have your phone number?¨I just laughed and said no. If you have to say Ms. before someone`s name that is probably a good indicator that it is inappropriate to ask for their phone number. Some of the other teachers got a big laugh out of it though... Especially because a couple of days before a different boy approached me in the parking lot to ask the same thing.

MLK Day- A day of wishful thinking....

So, this is my first entry. My friend Lauren said that she thinks I would be a good blogger. Not sure exactly why, but I am going to give it a go. Well, today was MLK Day and I was off from work. I went to Panera Bread to hang out and get some studying done. After shopping, I walked to my car to get my backpack before going to Panera Bread.
As I stood at my car, a middle school boy approaches me with his phone ready. I thought he was just texting and walked to the wrong car. He then proceeds to boldly ask me for my phone number. He says, ¨What are you like in high school or college?¨ I replied with, ¨I am 24 years old.¨ He then laughs, says his friend wanted my number cause he thought I was cute and then walks away to tell his buddies. I felt like I was in middle school again. I still don`t know how I feel about that. I don`t know if I am more weirded out by his boldness to approach someone who he knews was atleast 5 years older then him to ask for a number, or that he actually thought I would give it to him. On my status on facebook I put that a middle school boy asked for my number. Stevito replied with, ¨He must have been celebrating MLK Jr. day - he had a dream today.¨...good one stevito.
I think this also kind of bugs me cause this isn`t the first time it has happened recently. I was at work helping to administer a national standardized test to the middle schoolers. The teacher had left the room to turn in the tests so I stayed with the kids to supervise. One of the middle school boys raised his hand to ask if I was 12 years old. Then the other week I had some other kids ask if I was a teenager. I know I will be thankful in a couple of years but that isn`t today....Atleast they make entertaining stories....Well, Lauren, there you go!!