Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
.Learning obedience and reliance on God.
I finished my second 10K race today! It felt really good when I was finished. I enjoy racing and hope I continue this new hobby up. Right now I kind of prefer running by myself cause I can spend time thinking and praying and don`t have to talk to anyone else. Today, my goal in running was to finish and to spend time giving my future to the Lord. I will hear on Friday, May 1st if I will be moving to California. If I did that my whole life would change. It has been very difficult to be patient. This run was to help me give that to him and rely on his strength to get me through. It was very good to have that time to give it up to him. During this race when I wanted to stop or slow down I would turn my palms up to God and pray and give it to him. In my head it was kind of like fasting. I was giving up my physical comfort as physical sign of my obedience and reliance on Him. I have also been struggling with my insecurities and so for a good 4 miles I was saying to myself, ¨ I am accepted and belong¨ off and on. (In referring to God accepting me and I belong to him.)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Rejecting Satan's lies and claiming Christ's truths....
In learning from recent relationships and future possible plans I have had to learn patience. I have had to rely more on the Lord. I have also had a lot of time to reflect on things. I have realized that for the most part this year has been pretty good. I have had some difficult moments but overall I have been truely blessed. My roommate on the other hand has had a very difficult year and has had to deal with so much. In a way I have felt guilty cause I have had it pretty chill for a while. God has continued to bless me but I have been becoming more skeptical cause I feel like things have been going too good and I am just waiting for something bad to happen. This is such a bad way to view things. God doesn't allow things to happen to me based on my behavior or the things I do. I just recently realized why I have been worried that things I have been excited about won't happen because i fear i am due for disappointment. Such a lie. I am hoping that through realizing this i can shift this view.
On thinking about my past friendships I am realizing some lies that I have allowed Satan to use in order to keep me distant, isolated and burdened. I have realized that I have struggled a lot with not feeling intelligent and feel as though my opinion isn`t a valid or right based on comments that people have made to me in the past. Even though they may have not ment it, I have allowed it to define how I view myself. I can see how this lie has allowed me to keep my opinions to myself or cause me to feel as though I can't add to intelligent conversations. This insecurtiy causes me to get tongue tied. i have been believing this lie and it is one reason why I am hesistant to do grad school.
I feel like I don`t and haven´t fit in a lot through the years for numerous reasons. Recently this is evident in my love and embrace for the Spanish language and latino community. Many of my friends are not as actively open to new cultures or have problems when I have my GPS in Spanish or listen to Latino music when they are in the car with me. When they make comments it is hard for me to not take it personally and view it as them rejecting something that is very close to my heart. Again I now realize that I dont feel accepted or understood and this creates unnecessary burden and isolation.
I also realized that I haven`t learned how to embrace my beauty inside and out. I am consistently looking for others to affirm these qualities in me. To see myself through my creators eyes is something I have failed to do lately. I have been defining my worth through things I do or how others view me. I have also allowed Satan to make me feel as though the reason I am still single is because I am not attractive to the opposite sex or that something is wrong with me. I am choosing to refuse these thoughts and replace them with how my creator defines my worth and beauty.
These realizations are very freeing hence why I took the time to write them. In realizing these lies that I have believed for so long, I am learning to reject these thoughts when they enter my head and replace them with truths that I can claim through Christ. I am learning to allow him to define my worth and identity and not my insecurities.
On thinking about my past friendships I am realizing some lies that I have allowed Satan to use in order to keep me distant, isolated and burdened. I have realized that I have struggled a lot with not feeling intelligent and feel as though my opinion isn`t a valid or right based on comments that people have made to me in the past. Even though they may have not ment it, I have allowed it to define how I view myself. I can see how this lie has allowed me to keep my opinions to myself or cause me to feel as though I can't add to intelligent conversations. This insecurtiy causes me to get tongue tied. i have been believing this lie and it is one reason why I am hesistant to do grad school.
I feel like I don`t and haven´t fit in a lot through the years for numerous reasons. Recently this is evident in my love and embrace for the Spanish language and latino community. Many of my friends are not as actively open to new cultures or have problems when I have my GPS in Spanish or listen to Latino music when they are in the car with me. When they make comments it is hard for me to not take it personally and view it as them rejecting something that is very close to my heart. Again I now realize that I dont feel accepted or understood and this creates unnecessary burden and isolation.
I also realized that I haven`t learned how to embrace my beauty inside and out. I am consistently looking for others to affirm these qualities in me. To see myself through my creators eyes is something I have failed to do lately. I have been defining my worth through things I do or how others view me. I have also allowed Satan to make me feel as though the reason I am still single is because I am not attractive to the opposite sex or that something is wrong with me. I am choosing to refuse these thoughts and replace them with how my creator defines my worth and beauty.
These realizations are very freeing hence why I took the time to write them. In realizing these lies that I have believed for so long, I am learning to reject these thoughts when they enter my head and replace them with truths that I can claim through Christ. I am learning to allow him to define my worth and identity and not my insecurities.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Life Lessons I have learned....
My good friend Lauren and I have been sitting on skype not really talking but just thinking. She suggested to start making a list of the life lessons I have been learning of the past couple of years. Here is a list of the major one`s.
Take risks even though you have don`t know the result. Whatever happens you will look back and learn from that experience.
Allow God to provide for you and look for that provision daily.
When you hear desperate thoughts you can be certain those thoughts are not from God.
Don`t say things that you think others want you to say. Say your thoughts and opinions with confidence. It is okay to disagree.
Speak truth into people`s lives; affirming their character and qualities in time of need.
Don`t be afraid to ask questions. It is a sign of wisdom not of ignorance.
Don`t be afraid to voice how you feel in a relationship. You will never look back and wonder what could have been. If the person doesn`t feel the same you aren`t being rejected. It isn`t a reflection on your quality as a human or your worth.
Embrace silence and stillness. You don`t need the radio or internet. It is ok to not be entertained. Sitting still is a good thing.
I am sure I have learned more things but at the moment I am not aware. I have enjoyed reflecting on these things and need to remember to do this every couply of years.
Take risks even though you have don`t know the result. Whatever happens you will look back and learn from that experience.
Allow God to provide for you and look for that provision daily.
When you hear desperate thoughts you can be certain those thoughts are not from God.
Don`t say things that you think others want you to say. Say your thoughts and opinions with confidence. It is okay to disagree.
Speak truth into people`s lives; affirming their character and qualities in time of need.
Don`t be afraid to ask questions. It is a sign of wisdom not of ignorance.
Don`t be afraid to voice how you feel in a relationship. You will never look back and wonder what could have been. If the person doesn`t feel the same you aren`t being rejected. It isn`t a reflection on your quality as a human or your worth.
Embrace silence and stillness. You don`t need the radio or internet. It is ok to not be entertained. Sitting still is a good thing.
I am sure I have learned more things but at the moment I am not aware. I have enjoyed reflecting on these things and need to remember to do this every couply of years.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Patience
Patience (pā-shəns) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.
This week has been difficult in learning patience when it comes to future decisions and relationships. That waiting, not having control and not knowing what will happen is something I am not good with. It is hard to not focus on the future and to just enjoy where you are. In trying to calm my thoughts down I was looking through my journal at old sermon notes and thoughts. There has been two quotes that have helped me not to feel overwhelmed and drained.
"God's voice is never frantic, when you hear desperate thoughts you can know that it is not God speaking. You can wait in confident humility."
"In the moments of worry, we forget God's past faithfulness."
I know that this worry and burden is not something from God. It is me not trusting in who God says that he is and who I know him to be. Whatever happens God is still God and I am still His. Nothing can take that away and that also gives me peace.
This week has been difficult in learning patience when it comes to future decisions and relationships. That waiting, not having control and not knowing what will happen is something I am not good with. It is hard to not focus on the future and to just enjoy where you are. In trying to calm my thoughts down I was looking through my journal at old sermon notes and thoughts. There has been two quotes that have helped me not to feel overwhelmed and drained.
"God's voice is never frantic, when you hear desperate thoughts you can know that it is not God speaking. You can wait in confident humility."
"In the moments of worry, we forget God's past faithfulness."
I know that this worry and burden is not something from God. It is me not trusting in who God says that he is and who I know him to be. Whatever happens God is still God and I am still His. Nothing can take that away and that also gives me peace.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Being Known, vulnerable and humbled
I just got back from my first visit to Fresno. This past week has been crazy, a lot has happened. I hung out with a couple of my close friends growing up. Then I flew to Fresno to get a glimpse of what my life could look like in the future. Then I hung out with my sisters and caught up with them.
It was really refreshing to be around people that know me. A place where I am known and don`t have to worry about how to act or what to wear. People who have known me all of my life. It is also draining to be around those people cause I haven`t been around my close girlfriends and just my sisters in a long time; there is a lot of talking that is involved. I hope that this next week when I go home I can continue to hang out with close friends and be surrounded by familiar faces. It is hard living in a city of strangers with few familiar faces. It has been good but sometimes lonely.
Right now I am struggling with the unknown future. I feel like it is time to begin something new. There is this ministry in Fresno, CA that I feel a ton of peace about doing next year. Things have kind of fell into place and I can see how God has been changing my heart to prepare me for something like this. I am just worried that if it doesn`t work out that I will have many questions for God about how I misunderstood the peace and confirmation. I feel like through this process of deciding to pursue this path I have been humbled. challanged and vulnerable. I know it has caused me to grow in ways I wouldn`t have otherwise. It has allowed me to see and desire to live in the states for now. I am just not good at waiting.
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