In learning from recent relationships and future possible plans I have had to learn patience. I have had to rely more on the Lord. I have also had a lot of time to reflect on things. I have realized that for the most part this year has been pretty good. I have had some difficult moments but overall I have been truely blessed. My roommate on the other hand has had a very difficult year and has had to deal with so much. In a way I have felt guilty cause I have had it pretty chill for a while. God has continued to bless me but I have been becoming more skeptical cause I feel like things have been going too good and I am just waiting for something bad to happen. This is such a bad way to view things. God doesn't allow things to happen to me based on my behavior or the things I do. I just recently realized why I have been worried that things I have been excited about won't happen because i fear i am due for disappointment. Such a lie. I am hoping that through realizing this i can shift this view.
On thinking about my past friendships I am realizing some lies that I have allowed Satan to use in order to keep me distant, isolated and burdened. I have realized that I have struggled a lot with not feeling intelligent and feel as though my opinion isn`t a valid or right based on comments that people have made to me in the past. Even though they may have not ment it, I have allowed it to define how I view myself. I can see how this lie has allowed me to keep my opinions to myself or cause me to feel as though I can't add to intelligent conversations. This insecurtiy causes me to get tongue tied. i have been believing this lie and it is one reason why I am hesistant to do grad school.
I feel like I don`t and haven´t fit in a lot through the years for numerous reasons. Recently this is evident in my love and embrace for the Spanish language and latino community. Many of my friends are not as actively open to new cultures or have problems when I have my GPS in Spanish or listen to Latino music when they are in the car with me. When they make comments it is hard for me to not take it personally and view it as them rejecting something that is very close to my heart. Again I now realize that I dont feel accepted or understood and this creates unnecessary burden and isolation.
I also realized that I haven`t learned how to embrace my beauty inside and out. I am consistently looking for others to affirm these qualities in me. To see myself through my creators eyes is something I have failed to do lately. I have been defining my worth through things I do or how others view me. I have also allowed Satan to make me feel as though the reason I am still single is because I am not attractive to the opposite sex or that something is wrong with me. I am choosing to refuse these thoughts and replace them with how my creator defines my worth and beauty.
These realizations are very freeing hence why I took the time to write them. In realizing these lies that I have believed for so long, I am learning to reject these thoughts when they enter my head and replace them with truths that I can claim through Christ. I am learning to allow him to define my worth and identity and not my insecurities.
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